Tuesday, January 13, 2009

I do

Since I found out I was pregnant with Number Two son a little over two years ago, I have been terrified of having another child. It was a challenging pregnancy, it made me appreciate the first two pregnancies (no-salt diet, IBS, etc...) and especially the beautiful, healthy baby when he was born. In a nutshell: I was still nursing number One Daughter, my progesterone was low so I had to supplement for the first trimester, I bled terrible after my first appointment PAP, we didn't hear the baby's heartbeat at 12 weeks, so I had an unscheduled ultrasound to make sure he was still alive, I had an allergic reaction to the progesterone and my milk dried up literally over night and I had to deal with a screaming toddler. I did my best to try and stay calm, but I was so afraid, when he was born, I cried not only for joy, but also for the huge weight that had been lifted from my shoulders. I was so relieved that he was okay. I did not completely trust that everything was okay, I had convinced myself that something was wrong with him. All the doctors said everything was fine. I woke up to check on him more. Sat by him longer when he took naps, hugged him longer and tighter I fretted more when he didn't hit the developmental milestones like the other two. You would have thought he was my first. I have been very closed to having more children, I am 41, after all. The problem with my fear is that when I married my dear husband, I promised him and God that I would be open to children. Not being open to children is a sin. I had a nice confession in December, I've been saying the Rosary with the kids a few nights a week and I've almost set up regular adoration with the kids and a Priest to guide them. For the past seven years I have been either pregnant or nursing or both. I can not tell the difference between regular PMS and pregnancy. So when my body finally turned back on, (yup, I haven't had a period since way before Number Two Son was born in March 2007) I pondered and actually thought about having another baby. I didn't have a panic attack as I thought I might (and have said many times) I was okay with it. I thank Jesus for that, maybe all those Chaplet's of Divine Mercy that I say at night when I can't sleep have actually helped me trust in Jesus. I don't mean to be skeptic, I just don't have much faith in myself. I resolve to be more positive, less self deprecating and to continue to trust Jesus!

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