On a Wire

More than once in my life I have said that things can only get better. I find myself in that spot again. Last summer was rough: high-risk, complicated pregnancy, unemployed husband, home foreclosure looming, record drought/heat and working as much as I could to pay bills. I cried more than I ever have and was so humbled by help from friends and family. I feel very sad that most of our family did very little. I just don't know what we would have done without my parents. I do not know how I will ever repay them. Our dear sweet Priest reminds everyone to pray for their parents, I certainly do.  Hubby was underemployed again this year. We have not fully supported ourselves in well over a year. He is employed, but he does not start work until August and we don't get a full paycheck until the end of September. Most summers I work more, but every place I work has been slow (people working 1/2 days or only working 4 days a week). Our 2 year old refrigerator is not working. Thankfully, we have a deep freeze and ice chests until pay day. I havn't slept well in over a week. We are on a payment plan for our utilities and I have been making payments, or so I thought... One of my electronic payments didn't post so now we owe $1,400.00+. My paycheck will not cover it so I called and asked for help again.
Can things get worse? Certainly! Have things been better? Absolutely! I have been saying a Chaplet of Divine Mercy when I wake up, I know that I need to Trust Jesus. We need to discern what else to do to get our lives back on track.

Dinner Conversation

Every day at dinner for many years we have talked about:
1. What was the best thing about today?
2. What was the worst thing about today?
3. What are you looking forward to about tomorrow?
4. How did you show the love of Christ today? (Recently added)
Most days we get through the questions pretty easily, other days, someone gets excused from the table before we finish or we don't get to all four. I am not big on talking while eating, but we found it necessary to guide dinner conversation to avoid the occasional yelling, screaming, sassing and eye rolling that comes along with our boy-girl-boy-girl family.
Some of the face turners :)
"Where are we going tomorrow?" asked almost everyday by Number Two Son in response to question 3 when he was just learning how to speak. Number One Daughter seems to think it us funny if she asks, honestly, it is just annoying.
Number One Son always has tall tales about an adventure building, digging, climbing or whittling in the backyard. We call his bluff and he reels it in. One of these days he is going to find someone who hangs on every word and laughs at all his un-funny jokes. I wish that was me, but it is not. I like non-fiction and the truth!

Happy Anniversary!

Today is our 13th wedding anniversary. About this time thirteen years ago I was getting my nails done at a walk-in salon at Lamar Square. Lamar Square is currently a giant hole in the ground. Most of Lamar Blvd from Barton Springs is a construction zone, I drive up and down that street almost daily and except for this one shopping center, I don't remember what they tore down. The gentrification has it's positive and negatives. Hopefully, more store fronts will make the ones we already have less crowded. More apartments without more grocery stores will compound the crazy-busy grocery store problem we already have. Since I have lived in South Austin, two grocery stores have closed and one has expanded. I can not even guess how many new homes and apartments/condos have been built in our part of town. Our HEB is always busy. I shop late at night because any other time of day is unbearable for my busy bee brain.
Thirteen years have moved along at a fully indescribable pace. Our Number One Son is middle-school aged, how did this happen so quickly? Number Four Daughter is sitting, crawling and cruising, simply unbelievable! I started blogging as a way to catalog our food allergy recipes, so family and friends would have some idea of what the kids can eat. Hubby uses it, but we are still pretty much on our own at family gatherings, even after 11 years of dealing with multiple food allergies. I also wanted an outlet for frustrations. Most of the time when I would sit down to blow off steam, something else would happen. I would see the bright side of things. The time moving slowly part of our lives mostly has to do with money. Disability, job loss, healthcare regulation changes, underemployment and increasing expenses weigh heavily on me. There are so many things I can let go, but when you don't have money to go anywhere besides work and the grocery store (we can walk to church if we are running low on gas money) it makes the days, weeks, months feel so much longer.
I had the conversation with a friend last week that I have had with others, including our Priest: how do we know if this is earthly suffering, bad choices or depression? Today I count my blessings: Hubby, my sweet honey bear who knows how to love me everyday; Number One Son, who gives me daily joy with his resilient attitude; Number One Daughter who challenges me to see things in different ways; Number Two Son with his bright eyes, loving, helpful heart and big hugs; Number Two and Three Daughters praying for us while in the arms of Jesus and Number Three Daughter who reminds me every day that miracles are real and God doesn't give you what you can't handle.
I won't be getting my nails done today. We will all go out for ice cream to celebrate the birthday of our family.
"Happy Anniversary to us, happy anniversary to us, happy anniversary to our family! Happy anniversary to us!"

Siblings

I went to a friend's wedding right after I got out of graduate school. It was a moving and beautiful weekend. What I witnessed profoundly changed how I viewed sibling relationships. I had known brothers and sisters who were friendly and nice to each other, but the bond I saw between the Bride and her brother was different. I thought, some day I want that for my children too.
I have two sisters, three girls growing up in a tiny house with different interests and aptitudes. When we were young, we played together. I remember our electric Hot Wheels track, Barbies, Operation, UNO, Go Fish, Mad Libs and backyard softball. I'm not sure when things changed. I remember fighting, feeling bossed around and very lonely.
Fast forward 30 years. I have seen numerous sets of siblings show me what it really means to be family. My friend who's oldest sister moved her other sister, brother-in-law and two teenagers in with her when her sister was diagnosed with a devastating neurological condition; the twice widowed stroke survivor who lived independently because her sister and brother-in-law lived next door; the 98 year old sister feeding and pushing her 104 year old brother around in the nursing home and the construction worker brother transforming into nurse, secretary, bank and chauffeur for his brother battling cancer.
I have had several conversations with my mother why my sisters don't help each other (or me) like our cousins? I want to be positive and believe that things can still change, but above all else, I will do whatever I can do so that my children love and support each other until the day we all meet up in Heaven.

Baby Feet!!

I Still Can't Believe It!

Every day since November 7, 2012, I look into this angelic face and sit in utter disbelief. I wake up in the middle of the night and I smile that God has given us this little miracle. Thank You Jesus!

Happy Feast Number Two Daughter

We did not make it from Austin to Georgetown today. I told the kids that we would go for a visit half way between Faustina's and Miriam's Feast Day. They are excited for cupcakes and presents for their baby sisters in heaven. We need a payday before trekking an hour North.
I would very much like to celebrate All Soul's Day at OLTR, I do not think we can plan on it this year, just hope to do it someday. I've never had a Soul Cake, I'd like to taste an authentic one before making an allergy friendly version for the kids. Maybe next year...

In October 1988, President Ronald Reagan Proclaimed October as National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. "When a child loses his parent, they are called an orphan. When a spouse loses her or his partner, they are called a widow or widower. When parents lose their child, there isn't a word to describe them. This month recognizes the loss so many parents experience across the United States and around the world. It is also meant to inform and provide resources for parents who have lost children due to miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy, molar pregnancy, stillbirths, birth defects, SIDS, and other causes."

I found out about October 15th Day of Rememberance on 10/15/09, the day I was told that, "You had what we call a 'missed miscarriage.'" Our baby was born to Heaven a few days later. It was the beginning of a devastating period of our lives. Two years later on 11/9/11, more devastating news, another miscarriage.

Tonight at our Church we will have a Prayer Service and Rosary for all babies born too soon.  I have been praying and praying that we have people show up. It is in God's hands now, but our two little Saints are interceding for us and know how important it is for families to not feel sad forever.

A little bit of Heaven

Came to both of you one day,

Then soon this little breath of God

Was suddenly snatched away;

The joy you built within your hearts

Has now turned into grief,

You feel that nothing found in life

Could ever bring relief.

Nay, parents, if you'll meditate

You'll find it otherwise,

The grief you have is really

But a blessing in disguise;

The waters of eternal life,

Have freed your babe of taint,

`Twas meant by God that you

Should be the parents of a saint.

Sister Mary Assunta, OSF 1962

Lights Out

Last night was our first of of six "Lights Out Friday Night." I read about it on a blog as a sacrifice for Lent. Turn out the lights and turn off the electronics after dark. In hindsight, we should have planned better and discussed what it meant to us. Hubby thought it was a great idea, but his idea was different from mine. I got called in to work at the last minute. On my way out the door, I spouted off a list of chores, dinner menu, etc.. When I got home, it was already dark outside, so they lights were off and there were lots of candles, very nice. As is custom, the minute I walk in, the kids start with, "I'm hungry," and I ask, "Did Daddy feed you?" "No nothing." Due to a carrot experiment by Number Two Son, the large cast iron skillet needed to be washed and it was dark so we were having trouble finding the right scrubbie. I tuned to the stove and the clock light was out. Hubby had turned off all the breakers. I had forgotten to explain to him that the point of lights out was to LEARN to simplify, not FORCE simplicity on the children. I did use the over-the stove-light while cooking dinner and I screwed in the refrigerator light so I could see where the food was, but other than that, it was Light's Out Friday. Once the breakers were turned back on, the kids flipped the bathroom lights a couple of times, but they really had fun with the candles (note to self, buy lots more candles). While I was cooking, Hubby played around on the piano and then brought the Beatle's songbook to the table to try and teach Number One Son the words to "I am the Walrus." That ended in Hubby walking away and Number One Son in tears. Grumpy-because-I-a-still-sick Hubby and I-don't-know-when-to-not-be-silly Number One Son do not mix in the dark. After dinner we played a couple of games of  "Go Fish" that were truly excruciating for the adults. Number One Son kept trying to go out of order (sequencing issues, I guess) and Number One Daughter was just asking for cards, whether she had one of the pair, or not, but Number Two Son was absolutely joyful when anyone got a match. Three games of double-nine dominoes and Hubby and I were ready for bed! Next week we will plan much better! I never imagined that no lights or electronic devices would be so exhausting!

We spent a lovely afternoon in Georgetown, Texas with one of our Priest's, Fr.James Martin, CSC. We would have liked to have had a remembrance ceremony earlier, but it took a very long time for the stone to be engraved and delivered. It was so kind of Fr. James to spend half of his day with us. He blessed all of us and said some lovely words, but I was distracted by the loss, the wind chimes, the wind, the cool air, the children and pain. Deciphering how I feel has been very difficult. Number Two Son told me, "I love you Momma, I'm sorry that your baby died." Number One Daughter and Number Two Son have expressed remorse for the loss and wanting another sibling. Number One Son has expressed remorse, but I'm not so sure he wants another sibling, he is a nine year old boy, after all. It is hard to be 44, knowing the statistics, and believing that my childbearing years have ended in two miscarriages. Fr. James shared that he had four siblings born to heaven and that he is looking forward to meeting them. I think about our babies every day, when we meet in Heaven one day, I'm sure I will know exactly how to feel.

Red Lipstick

I grew up with my Mom wearing beautiful bright-colored lipsticks in the 70's and 80's. I loved wearing bright lipsticks when I was younger. When they went out of fashion, I had decided that my days of wearing red lipstick were over. Bright lips are in fashion again, but should a 44-year-old wear read lipstick? The thought of never wearing red lipstick again made me sad, so I bought some and I got to wear it twice before the kids used it for blood on a leftover Halloween decoration. I felt fabulous, if only for a couple of days. I know what the kids should get Momma for Christmas!

Welcome Home Frankie Francis

Frankie Francis (named for our beloved St. Francis of Assisi) has been with us for about two weeks. The Town Lake Animal Shelter was closing and moving across town so we thought it would be a good time to get a free dog. After three visits, numerous phone calls and messages, it became apparent that getting a suitable dog from Austin was not going to happen. Someone sent me a link to the shelter in San Antonio. They are not a no-kill shelter, like Austin, Their goal is 50% + 1. We saw a couple of dogs we liked,one was toy poodle, she was deemed "aggressive" and not available for adoption. I saw this cutie and could not believe that a beautiful dog like this was actually at a shelter and not already adopted. The online information said the Pomeranian was male, when we got there, the paperwork said the Pomeranian was a female and when we went to pick up the Pomeranian, we were told HE was a neutered male. He loves me, which is the most important thing AND he is house trained. He gets along well with Einstein (Smart Puppy). Initially, he barked and nipped at Hubby and Number Two Son, but he has adjusted to our home and is really very calm. He has a cold (AKA Kennel Cough), it has been two weeks so we are headed to the Vet tomorrow for treatment options. Bless his little canine heart, he has coughing spells during the night. Being the Momma that I am, I wake up every time he coughs. I hope he gets over this soon, it so tiring (and pitiful!).

My, how time flies…

Last month was a rough one for us. The same week we found out that a dear friend of Hubby’s was diagnosed with a terminal brain tumor, we also found out that we had another miscarriage. Hubby and I were weepy, distracted and unfocused, both events distracting us from the other.

This time was very different, but still very sad. Friends have been very supportive, but we get the “What did you expect?” tone form family we have told. Yes, I am 44, but if God can bless us with a pregnancy, God can also bless us with a baby, if it is his will. We have no remains to bury this time, but we will have a stone, just like big sister’s at Our Lady of the Rosary Cemetery in Georgetown, Texas. We visited for Number Two Daughter’s birthday in October and I was touched by families that had 3-4 markers in the Remembrance Garden at the feet of Our Lady. God in his infinite wisdom prepared me even before I knew I was pregnant. Number Three Daughter is named Miriam Johanna.

Not quite two weeks after the miscarriage, the day before Thanksgiving, I was terribly ill. I had severe stomach pains, vomiting, dizziness and cold chills. I just knew it was a gallbladder attack. Hormones from the pregnancy and miscarriage plus my family history had me convinced. I couldn’t get an ultrasound for 6 days and the results were “normal.” So I do not have gallstones, but I am not convinced that it was not an attack, time will tell…

iPod Pat On The Back

I am so proud of myself. I was able to voice record the Boy Scout Law on my iPhone, email it, download it to iTunes and load it on Number One Son's iPod! I can't wait to hear his reaction when he finds out what I have done. His iPod is currently in time out for bad RE behavior. iTunes is so frustrating to me, I lose all my songs almost every time I sync it. Our computer died so now I have to locate all of the CD's I used to put music in my itunes account or lose the songs. I'm hoping that iCloud is all it is touted to be, we will see...

Did I Miss a Memo?
We had one of the best family days I can remember today at Schlitterbahn. Hubby tried for months to win us tickets and he finally did! We waited until this week to go because it has been so blazing hot in Texas. Since we do not have A/C in the old Blazer, I wear a bandana when I am driving to keep my naturally frizzy hair from standing up on it's ends. I "washed away the gray" a few days ago and I wanted to protect my hair from the sun and chlorine. I saw no one, not even a bald man, wearing a bandana. There were thousands of people so I guess, no matter how practical, people don't wear bandanas in 2011. I missed that memo and will still continue to wear my pretty white and black bandana.

Yes, you are invited!

We had our beautiful Children's Holy Hour today. One of the ladies that is an RE teacher at our church was there with her grandchildren. I told her thank you for coming, as I do with everyone that comes. She told me she didn't know about the Holy Hours. We have been doing it for three years. There is a pulpit and bulletin announcement every month. All the RE kids got bookmarks and the bookmarks with all the pertinent information were passed out at the Ministry Fair last year. I even announced it at a RE teacher training class last week. The Catholic bookstore down the street put up a small poster for us again this year. Today, on the way out, another homeschool family thanked Fr. Mike for inviting them. It made me think about what people need to really KNOW that Jesus is inviting them and their children to spend time with him. I know people are busy, I have people tell me all the time how they wish they could come, they at least, hear, see and read about the Holy Hour. My frustration is people not hearing, seeing or reading about special time for their family to spend with Jesus. I must be taking the comment, "I never knew about this," personally. I'll keep praying for peace and guidance. I will say that I am so happy that as time passes more and more families join us.

Happy Birthday Number Two Daughter

Hubby has a yucky URI, so he stayed home from work today and was able to go to the cemetary with us. I made allergy-free cupcakes, he planted a lily from our yard (but originally from his old house), we sang "Happy Birthday" walked around the beautiful grounds of Our Lady of the Rosary and said a Divine Mercy Chaplet before we drove home.
Before we left home, there was quite a heated discussion between Number One Son and Number One Daughter about what to call today. He insisted that it was Number Two Daughter's feast day, it was the celebration of the day she went to Heaven, he explained to his sister. Number One Daughter insisted it was her birthday. We compromised and agreed that it was both!
Number One Daughter saw little toys at the graves of other babies during our last visit. She wanted to buy her sister a toy. I was sceptical if she would actually leave a really cute cat and dog Littlest Pet Shop set dressed as an angel and devil. When it comes to her baby sister, Number One Daughter always suprises me. She is thoughtful, selfless and brave.
Number One Son was sad. We talked about how, after praying about it for several days, we decided to tell them about their sibling being born to Heaven. He agreed that it was better that we told him. He is still shocked that I wasn't told about my siblings born to Heaven until I was almost grown.
It is my sincerest prayer that our children will use this life experience to witness to others about respect for life from conception to natural death. They participated in a funeral for their sister who was the same age when most abortions take place. So much has happened in the past year, I have been grateful for all the extra prayers, today was so much more about gratitude than sadness.

I Need You

Dear Lord Jesus,
I am a sinner and I need you. I know you are in charge and I surrender everything to you. I fail each time I scream at my beautiful children, if I am impatient with the people I work with, when I am not charatable and when I let sloth get the best of me. You have given me so many gifts and I am truely thankful. I know your love through suffering. You spared my husband's life, you fed us, provided for us, clothed us, gave us friends as your presence on Earth. You continue to protect the children. You gave Number One Son his creativity, Number One Daughter her intuition, Number Two Son his joy and Number Two Daughter was spared pain ans suffering on Earth and given the greatest gift of all, to be born into heaven.
I will always need you trust you. Please continue to help me. Amen.

Forgiveness

I've been thinking often about forgiveness. I'm in a situation with no easy solution. I can move on like nothing ever happened, but live in fear that it will happen again. I can forgive without an apology and worry about the sin of not asking for forgiveness on my offender's soul. I was told to pick a point and move on and to focus on my immediate family. I try so hard to put it out of my mind, but it creeps in several times throughout the day. I know the matter is out of my hands. "All to Jesus, I surrender, All to him I freely give..."

San Jacinto Day

When I was in 7th grade at Berta Dean Jr. High, we did a mock trial about the people involved in the fight for Texas Independence. I was Santa Anna, things didn't quite go well for my character. I hope through our homeschooling that our kids will be proud Texans too!
from Wikipedia:
The Battle of San Jacinto, fought on April 21, 1836, in present-day Harris County, Texas, was the decisive battle of the Texas Revolution. Led by General Sam Houston, the Texas Army engaged and defeated General Antonio López de Santa Anna's Mexican forces in a fight that lasted just eighteen minutes. About 700 of the Mexican soldiers were killed and 730 captured, while only nine Texans died.
Texas Rules!